[After the elves are taken care of, she continues down her List. It doesn't matter that they're probably traveling together and she'd get a whiff of something being amiss if anyone was hurt-she needs to hear I'm okay from everyone's freaking mouth.
And in particular, she has a Deep Concern for Kravitz. She isn't sure if he understands how to be alive to the point where he can go off on his own for a couple days, so. You know. Here she is.]
Don't forget to listen to your stomach and take a nap if your eyes get very tired and you have to drink a lot of water if you get hot, okay?
[The joke here is they are all together and he can absolutely hear her talking to the elves. They're right there. They're all like five feet from each other.
But he answers anyway. What's he gonna do, not do that?]
Don't worry, Ren, we're keeping fine. It's not like I went out here alone. Are you alright?
[No need to worry about her-she has a cat and Seto. There's no way she could get into any trouble with those two around. The two things this group is sorely lacking and why she has Concerns.]
You should look for cat there. If you find them, they'll keep you safe.
[He's sort of accepted by now that Ren says things sometimes that he absolutely can't parse. It's one part a Thing Kids Do and another part a Thing Ren Does, and it just gets him every time. It's hard enough to science out what Taako is saying at any given moment, but Ren is just so off the table most of the time. At least she can't see him raise his eyebrow as he attempts to formulate a response to that.]
I'll... keep my eyes out. I don't think there's going to be any over here, though. You saw it when we came over. There didn't seem to be any kinds of life at all. So far, we're seeing the same the further we go.
[Ya'll need to become cat believers. First Tim, now Kravitz. Can no one accept that cats have to be on the island? They're sleeping in a safe place they've yet to find, that's all.]
Have you found ARUM-25's family? Robots like that?
[Yes??? Because that means there's a safe zone on this horrible island. No cats means no safety. Bad.
There's a pause on her end and if Kravitz were lucky, it would be the silence that follows a rock disconnection, but unfortunately he's not a winner, now or ever. Welcome to hell.]
I think they're lonely in that place.
[No friends, no family-it's a feeling she understands, no matter how removed she is from her world.]
[ The following stone-call can be blamed on two things: 1) Lucas, having survived the Flowerpocalypse in one piece, and having found out that Kravitz isn't as all-knowing or as all-seeing as he claimed, is in pretty high spirits, and 2), Lucas just had a drink at Denny, and has the alcohol tolerance of a 90-pound teenager. ]
Hey asshole! I heard you can get drunk now, that doesn't seem like a very non-corporeal thing to do!
[He doesn't realize what this is at first. He thinks this may just be Lucas getting wasted and yelling at whoever will listen. Which, going after him? Ballsy fucking move, he'll give him that. But Kravitz just sighs, picking up against his better judgement so his stone doesn't have a nasally little shriek all night.]
You don't sound exactly sober either. You want me to blame you for that?
Yeah, yeah, that's what happens when you have a squishy human body that can process alcohol. What, are you gonna send me to ghost jail? Is that the penalty f'r callin' out lying jerks?
[ Tomorrow morning, when he's painfully hung over and able to remember most of this conversation in horrible detail, Lucas will make a note to himself: alcohol and righteous indignance make his self-preservation instincts disappear. ]
There is no ghost jail here. There isn't an afterlife at all. So, I'm afraid if you continue to bother me, I'll just have to take the direct route of stabbing you with the weapon I feel the need to remind you I have.
[You wanna fucking do this, Lucas, you REALLY WANT TO DO THIS]
[He just sighs, gesturing with his arms in a way Lucas can't see but he does all the same.]
What do you want me to say, Lucas? That death isn't fair? That you feel the jilted hero who tried to shatter laws set by gods for your own interests and perhaps I have a personal problem with that? Yes, everything was resolved, and yes, your mother went to the proper plane. But that doesn't change my feelings on the matter. You may, by the laws of my Lady be absolved, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
[ He sputters indignantly for a second, tripping over his words as his train of thought gets derailed. ]
That's... that's not...! You didn't haf't'pretend that you could send me to ghost jail if I looked at you the wrong way either, but that sure didn't stop you!
Oh for fuck's sake I'm not going to! At this point I don't have any parents left even if I did want to do something, which I don't, so get off my ass already!
Look, just... you're not my damn parole officer and you have no authority here, so leave me the hell alone and fuck off already!
[ AND THEN HE HANGS UP, and promptly passes out. When he wakes up, he will regret every single one of his life choices, especially once he remembers that Kravitz still has most of his powers, and also a giant scythe. ]
[The trials were already another memory to some-the thoughts becoming lost behind more immediate matters, like daily survival, the islands, their local god and the looming ocean threat.
Something like this happened every month, so it would be easy for her to push aside too, except-
She hadn't done that before. She fought. She wanted to find a way out, come home, be with her family and the vivid memory of fighting back has stuck with her-pulling the sword up, her shaking fingers tangling together, how terrified she was when the knife went through them and how fast she had run.
There was never a point to fighting back. Not when she was going to die anyway. It was never an option and now, she made it one. Her family wasn't there to fall back on, friends were scattered and she-
Wanted to live.
She wants to live without the crushing fear that's controlled her since the moment she was born. There's no chance for a cure, but there's an opportunity-she was brave. She can be brave. And Guzma's harsh words have never left her, urging her to do something she never thought possible.
She's scared of their reaction. Of the potential loss of a home, family, of a place for Seto to return to, but there's one person she can go to without that lingering fear. A man who dealt with death so often in his work, he couldn't be mad at her. He's probably seen other sick kids, knows what that means-
There's only so long she stay dead silent and stare at Kravitz's back. A part of her wants to turn around, to curl back up into the blankets in the tent, despite the heat and hide there. But she found him for a reason, she's been staring at him for a reason and no matter what he's doing, she interrupts with a quick and quiet-]
When people died-
[Something in her throat closes up and it's hard to stay there, when she's ready to bolt 900 miles in the other direction.]
[He knows something is up with Ren, but it's hard to put his finger on it. Kravitz has learned over the years that people who are openly happy are hiding something, and while he's usually better at figuring it out he could never get a read on Ren. Maybe it's because he's been busy, or maybe it's because the last child whose trauma he asked about stabbed themselves- it's hard to say. The point is, he's tried to let her do her thing. If there was something truly troubling, she would say something.
Or well, he'd hope.
Kravitz is distracted as he sits within their tent, working on peeling something or other for dinner and thinking about what may befall them next. But her voice cuts through his thoughts and he looks over his shoulder, turning so he can look over his shoulder at her.]
I... no, not. I mean, unless their actions were rather foolish leading to their demise.
[He didn't ask what her trial was like, but he's wondering now if that was the case.]
[Hurt is an understatement and one she doesn't bother to correct. The deaths weren't permanent and no matter how bad it stung when the scientists were able to catch her in the maze-
She'd wake up next to a wall with one less tally mark than before. Upset, but alive. From the sound of it, the experience was generally similar among all groups. People got hurt and died and played that horrible, seemingly endless game until they were able to escape. That's why her answer is a shake of the head, then a half nod and she looks troubled by the entire thought. She doesn't know what to say.
What she focuses on is his answer-honest and attentive as it is. No, unless they were foolish, even if she doesn't know what foolish entails.
She scoots a little closer and raises her hand to sort of gently push his face to look away from her, if he doesn't move away. It's easier without eye contact, somehow. There's another long pause, a second where she decides to stand up to leave, then sits back down just as fast and-
Then she starts to speak again, voice hesitant and quiet.]
Do you have to give back your family? Is that something-do people get mad and want 'Uncle' and 'Aunt' back?
[Kravitz was at least lucky enough not to die during his trials, but that's not what his trail was designed for. Yes, he threatened the death of three people and may have been mildly complicit in breaking someone's arm, but he didn't actually do any of those things. Not that he doesn't know the mortal fear now, so intimately, as to die. But that doesn't seem to be the problem here.
She adjusts his head, and he just doesn't know what he's expecting to come out of her mouth then. But he does it. If there's one thing he's learned from these strange people he's accumulated, you just sort of... do those requests. That's all these is to it.
He sighs, looking at his knee as he thinks about it- but he leaves his hand, palm out, just in front of him on the ground. Just in case.]
No. Family remains family when you die. That's... just how it is. A mother would still have birthed a child if she then died. She keeps her title. She has... earned that. And others do as the titles given to them.
[It would be difficult to believe this coming from anyone else's mouth. There's an instinctive part of her that instantly denounces what he's saying because that's not how it is for her. If there were ever a situation where someone would give back those names, it would be now, but-
He's saying it. He knows. He's seen far more than she ever has and has experienced loss over and over, even if it wasn't his own.
Her eyes catch sight of his hand and she scoots forward a bit, still hiding behind him, to clutch it. Having that gaze on her wasn't comforting, but a warm hand always is. She tries to intertwine her fingers in his, hoping that vice grip will keep him from moving away as she struggles to get her words out.]
Would you still let me call you Uncle Kravitz? Even if something in me was very bad?
[If there's anything he can handle, it should be this. The inevitability of death is his business, his life and death, his existence. His soul is strung where no other person walks, between worlds in a place only gods tread. It makes these very, very human moments so jarring. So real. So important.
She takes his hand, and he lets her use him as the anchor she needs.]
Ren, I have seen many, many people over my life. Most of them were terrible, unrepentant people who wanted power and did not care how they acquired it. Most others had good intentions, but a horrible fallout. And I've come to know what tends to make a bad person.
[He closes his hand gently around hers.]
I'm confident you are not one of them. And I would say I have the experience to be confident in that regard.
[This is why she came to him and it's something she has to remind herself again and again and again. Because of the tasks that were asked of him, because of all the people he met along the way, all the experiences he had-he knows. He knows. He knows, but-
It's scary. It's really scary and she doesn't want to talk anymore. Maybe she can end it here, hold his hand for the rest of the night and pretend the conversation never happened. This hasn't been a problem for them. It's easy enough to hide in the woods every night, to find chances to be alone to take her medicine, to skip a dose because she can't get out of their eyesight, to pretend she isn't scared and terrified and shaking because her bag's gone and they're trapped in a jail for days and she can't say anything about what really exhausting her-
Guzma made his point loud and clear. The god dog imparted a quiet lesson on her. Kravitz is here, trying to ease fears he doesn't know about with an honesty that she can't ignore.
Her fingers clench and release around his hand, like she's going to tear away and leave, like she doesn't want to ever go, like she's going to run, run, run, like she she's using every bit of strength she has to keep him there and-
Her throat's dry, her heart's hammering against her chest and-]
Something-
[She can't hear her own voice over the pound, pound, pound, and that's probably for the best. Every word shakes with terror and hesitancy, but-
She doesn't want to be afraid-not of this. When she holds their hands at night, she doesn't want to wonder what'll happen when they stop grasping it back. She doesn't want to look at their smiles and think about the day they won't be happy to see her. She doesn't want to give back aunt and uncle and her family. Treasures that are hers, people that are so close to her heart-that it feels like they've always been together. She wants to keep them, be with them and-]
Ren is... never what he's expected, and it's hard to say anyone he's really encountered is. Everyone has something he can't expect in this place, so trying to parse them has become impossible and largely a fool's errand. Perhaps, in a way, it makes him listen better. But none of that is important in the wake of her shaky words, her trembling body, the realization and context of conversations that have come before.
Being saved is scary too, sometimes.
I'm not strong or brave, so I have to hide.
I'm glad it's you.
He opens his mouth just slightly, enough for the lips to part like he wants to have words on them and simply doesn't. So instead he closes them, swallows, knowing he has to give an answer quickly to stop her from stewing so long in her fear.]
I'm not angry with you.
[It's the only thing he can think of to start- if she is afraid, someone must have given her reason to. He hopes it wasn't him, but who knows the unintended consequences of speaking on those who cheat death. He has no chance to go back to those mistakes. He has to move forward. So he reaches out, places his other hand over hers, gentle.]
Ren, I... I'm very sorry. Being sick does not make you a bad person. Is...
[It feels bad to assume, but he should get on the right page here.]
She doesn't know why he's lying to her about this. He has to know, has to see, that it's different for her. Something in his book must mention they spent time, money, and resources on her that were wasted the second she became symptomatic. For someone like her-getting sick made her a waste. Made her heart bad. Made her unsuitable for everything-she heard it again and again and again, from the hearts of people who locked the door the room without a word. From their voices through the vents.
She doesn't need him to console her with a lie. She already knows, but if he's not mad, if he's not upset, that's the smallest victory she can take from this moment. And she almost doesn't believe it-doesn't think those words are even real, until she attempts to press her head against his chest, to listen to his heart in the closest way she can. It's only a second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Just enough to hear a thump because Taako's name comes out of his mouth and-]
No. I can't say something like that-not to him.
[That gripping fear comes in waves. Every memory of him smiling at her, holding her hand, adorning matching aprons and playing with food, being threatened by his spells and feeling excitement instead of fear, snuggling against his side at night, playing hide and seek and painting nails and giving him wishes because he deserves it more-
It could stop. It could definitely stop. It would absolutely stop. And she would have to go. It's ingrained her that she has to go because only Seto, only Kravitz, only a few people understand. It's why she went off to die alone because he wouldn't be sad if he didn't see it. It wouldn't matter if he didn't see it. It doesn't exist if you don't see it. ]
I want him to smile at me. I don't want to-if he gets-[Mad. Sad. If it takes that smile off his face-] Then he won't want to be with me. He won't-he might not look at me anymore.
[That's the funny thing about death. It doesn't care much who you were when you were alive. Death cares that you are dead, that you are supposed to be dead, that you have died. The circumstances of your death end up largely irrelevant, as does your purpose in life.
All that to say, of course his book doesn't say anything about that, and he doesn't care. He wouldn't ever think that of her, that her life was worthless, that he would be angry. If anything, he's just concerned that she's been holding this in for over a year.
He swallows, reaching forward, putting his other hand on her to invite her into a hug.]
We don't have to go about that right now. But I can promise you, he won't be angry either. Come-- come here, alright?
[He has no idea what to do here. The problem with being so devoid from the living, from connections, is that despite all his words and roles he has no idea how to handle this. All he can do is what he does to Taako in these situations- hold them close, pet their hair, give them gentle bits of love. It's all he has.]
[I can promise you makes her heart tighten and tighten. It falls in line with all the words people have unknowingly spoken to her that mean more, so much more, than they intended. Taako's never been angry at her-she can't recall a single moment where any part of his heart flared with rage or contempt when he spoke. There's always a smile, always a laugh, always some kind of flabbergasted expression that never truly shows what's he's feeling, but makes her beam with joy all the same.
But at the end of the day, it's her favorite thing about him and even I can promise you doesn't sway her thoughts. If there's a chance he won't smile, won't laugh, won't play along with her afternoon games or-
It's selfish. It's wrong. It clashes with the beliefs she's held for so long and the new ones brought to light by her friends, her family, people who make her think that she can talk and not be discarded for being a failure because they never saw her as one to begin with.
But it's scary and the greedy part of her wants to hold onto more than treasure. She wants to hold this. She wants to hold them.
She wants to hold him and when the offer comes out, she doesn't hesitate to unlatch her hand from his, twist her body, turn her back to the opening of the tent to press against his side. Her arms don't wrap around him. All she does is pull them against her own chest to hide and hide.
Because she did. She said it. It's out, in the open, spoken to a grim reaper because she thought he might understand, that he would get it, that he would know and-
He didn't push her away-he's bringing her close. He didn't tell her to go-she can stay. He didn't agree she was bad, even lying to try and quell that fear.
And-
It's a mumble. Her quiet voice completely buffered by the shirt, by an attempt to whisper, by fearing the answer that's going to follow because she knows he could lie, it might definitely be a lie-]
I like to hide where the cats are.
[The sewers, the safest room in abandoned, haunted buildings.]
There's a white one. He was-he's a good boy. He could always find me and I always found him. We're together a lot. If you see him-
[By chalk covered manhole covers, by amusement parks she never dared to cross through, through old dams and broken down malls-]
If you see Seto, if he's alone. Maybe-
[The corners of old grocers, near fields of pretty flowers, by puddles that glimmered under the moonlight near blossoms that shared her name-]
I'm there. I'm nearby. If you find that world, someday, if someone-if anyone finds us, that's where I'm hiding. I don't want to-
[Die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to be alone and die. But it's impossible to ask for more than the unknown bit of time she was given, so long as this steady supply of medicine keeps coming, she has a chance here. But if she's ripped, torn, thrown back into that nightmarish world then-]
[It's been a long time since he felt a loss this personally. Ren knows he has faced other children, has had to remove them from life to the space beyond, but this is why he went so long without bonds. When it's personal, it hurts. When it's someone you've come to care about, it hurts. She clambers into his arms and he wraps one around her waist, the other up her back to put a hand in her hair, resting his mouth there just on top of her head. He closes his eyes as she speaks, taking in every word, memorizing every description. He has to remember this. Has to recall it in perfect clarity, so he can tear across the multiverse and find his way back to her.
Whatever Death is running her world has obviously done a piss poor job. He'll do them a favor, just this once. No one will even notice.
It's dangerous thoughts he's thinking, and he knows it-- that's how people get into necromancy, into deciding their wishes mean more than the galaxy-- but he knows a few things about circumstances. She has helped him in more ways than he can detail. If he can pay her back this small kindness, if he can figure out a way to make this work, then it won't matter. And he thinks he can do that. He knows he can.]
Of course I will. I'll come find you, alright? I'll get you.
[It's quiet for a moment while he holds her close, feeling too acutely the rising and falling of his own chest, the way his morality limits him here. He can't stop her from dying- there are marks too far, even for the people he loves- but he can control her afterlife. He has power, and exceptions can be made. He has time enough here to compile her case, lock it tight before getting the Raven Queen's approval. He can do this. He can do something.]
Are... you getting the medication you need, here? Are you taking it alright?
[The first time she told Seto, he turned away from her. The lonely days spent in that forgotten world got colder, darker, worse than being trapped in the lab because he was by her side, but he couldn't hear her at all.
It's what made her realize this was something to hide-the very first time she called his name, over and over, and he never once looked back at her. The doctors had reacted the same way-their occasional visits growing shorter once it came out she was dying. Their eyes wouldn't linger on her. They would drop off food, the medicine, take her vitals, she'd feel how little it mattered and-
The door would lock again. She'd be alone, again, and that's how it's always been.
Until now.
The tension building in her shoulders, her spine, making her whole body stiffen as if she's trying to turn into a rock while she holds her breath, tries not to breathe, and awaits an answer she knows could be bad and-
His arms feel like a shield and the way he keeps her close when so many have pushed her away makes her wonder if this confession is just a dream. If she's even awake at all. The line between reality and everything else can sometimes be incredibly small and she doesn't always recognize crossing over it.
But she can feel his chest rise and fall in a real, warm way. Knows it has to be his hands clutching her against his body and the words have to be true, that he'll try, that she doesn't believe he can find their world, but if he does-
If he does, she might not have to become a ghost, become a spirit that hurts others, die alone. Die completely alone, forgotten, in the bottom of a building, a dam, an old sewer-
If he does, Seto might not have to spend the rest of his days alone, because he'll see someone come through. He'll know people are out there. He'll know to follow Kravitz and remember the elves and know there's a family waiting just beyond-
He says he'll find her, keeps holding her, and that heavy, heavy weight leaves her body with an exhale. Her shoulders relax, it feels lighter-much lighter. She's never felt this relieved before.
He can't see the smile forming across her face, since her face is still pressed against him, but it's there and he probably can't hear the mumbled
Thank you
Because she doesn't even know if it came out of her mouth or if it's something her heart's repeating with every beat, beat, beat, but-]
The bunny finds it for me and I take it every day before the sun goes down. But I know where to do that. I know where to hide so they don't see me take it.
[It's hard to sit here and stay quiet while he waits for responses, while this conversation stays civil. His anger would be misplaced here, at the victim and not the oppressor, at a girl so shamed by her circumstances that it took her this long to even say it to him. But he is angry. He wants actions, and plans, and a swift hammer of justice brought down on anyone who would dare to do this to her. He wants something done. He wants to do something. He wants involvement and action and to sweep this problem so far off the table it was never a problem at all.
He can't, with her like this. He can't, stuck in a place like this. But both were necessary to make it to the place they have, where this information could be garnered and shared and slowly added to the universe. For one with so much patience, his want to exercise it is pulling at the seams.]
Ren... I can't speak to how your world operated. I do not know the experiences you have had and, admittedly, my knowledge on the subject of knowing... people, and the like, is not the most advanced. But the purpose of a family is to watch out for one another.
[Kravitz strokes her hair once more, his breath staying steady, a pulse of acknowledgement that he's still there.]
They would not want you to go through this alone. And they would want to know. It... you never know what can be accomplished. Perhaps we can make this easier for you.
[He doesn't want to say she can be cured, doesn't want to put that promise, because it's doubtful it would transfer home or that she could be altered in such a way. But he's thinking it, in terms of short-term solutions or something to work on Right Just Now. He has to at least have that or he'll go absolutely ballistic.]
I think you know all they have ever done is try to help you. They will want to help again.
Her body goes rigid and motionless-this is what she wanted to avoid. This is why letting her fears get the best of her until a confession came pouring out because she thought she could be braver, could get rid of this one fear, could trust them to not push her away, was a bad idea. No matter how good comforting it was to hear he would find her come out of his mouth.
But it reminds her of Seto and she can see the vivid memory of his back, the first time he turned away from her. When he thought he could make it easier. Could find a cure in the ruins of old buildings. That train doesn't lead anywhere good-not for her and hearing their voices say good morning, pumpkin sometimes feels like the only medicine she needs. As if that acknowledgment spurns her to wake up and not the medicine coursing through her veins.
To lose that-them. It's a real possibility and Seto-
All he ever wanted was to help her, knowing the only thing she could offer back was the warmth of her hand.]
I want them to say 'I give up.'
[And all they have ever done is try to help you makes that fear surge back to life. Every simple gesture is a potential loss she doesn't want to put on the line. Every hair braid, hug, light kiss to her face-
Being given a blanket, a pillow, a place to sleep and hide and people to press her back against so she can sleep a little easier.
Birthdays, clothes, shoes, pieces of charcoal to draw on tents and buildings, food that she can eat and eat without worrying if the color on it is going to make her sick.
They've given her everything. They've done everything for her and all she can offer back is-
The knowledge that she wasn't worth it to begin with. Unsuitable to do more than wait wait wait for her body to become immune to the medicine. It'd be easier to tell them if she knew the first thing they would do is give up, but they won't.
They've never given up on her and for the first time-
She hates it. ]
It won't change anything. This is how it is. It won't get 'easier.'
[Her words are absurdly difficult to try and swallow, to not comment instantly on the state of them. It's ironic this comes so soon after the Trials, after he was given a direct ultimatum of his own pride. He doesn't know everything. He can't. And simply shouldering everyone's problems, taking them onto him to know exactly what to do, is unsustainable. But the thought that she's wrong burns in his throat, that there can always be a better, but he can't speak them in that way if he wants her to listen. She isn't a wayward soul he can gleefuly rebuke, a necromancer who deserves a shouting, screaming end to their life. At some lonely point, he may have taken pleasure in something like this, with knowledge and information wrapped tight on his shoulders like a mantle of safety. Instead now it squeezes him too tightly, her rigid hands tight over his lungs to force them not to breathe.
Kravitz sighs, a burdened exhale that comes more freely with actual breath in his body.]
It's... it's not like you think.
[He wants her to just believe him, to trust in his expertise, and that might be why this is so complicated. Why should she not believe him? Is he not credible? Is he not strong enough to be the force to protect her? Is he not a god in his own rig--
He's not. Not a god. Never was.
And what would any diety of death do now?
He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to think of what to say.]
Sometimes, when we experience something for so long, when we grow within the confines of our lives, we find ourselves of the belief that it cannot be changed. That the only things we know must be true, because the alternative is... a scary place. A place where we do not know anything, where the tenants of the world have been shaken. And it is safer to believe in our own pain than it is to go to the unknown.
[He feels like he knows and doesn't all at once as he speaks, trying to parse the feelings of getting himself to this point. The confusion as Magnus, Merle and Taako addressed him as a regular person instead of in his station. His decision to go to their apartment when there was a problem, an invitation to a date, a warm hand in his across a grassy lawn. An acknowledgement of something long lost as lips press to his, as he melts into a kind of touch he'd forgotten. Kravitz blames himself often for falling so quickly and so hard for Taako, but he's beginning to suspect Taako was only half the equation.]
Could you have imagined any of this, when it was at it's hardest? That this kind of happiness could find you? If that unbelievable thing then was real... could this unbelievable thing be, in time, real as well?
Edited (word choice is hard and i just realized id hecked it) Date: 2019-02-19 11:43 pm (UTC)
[The difference between then and now is so grand, she can't recall when the shift occurred. Where being trapped behind a locked door, taken out only when needed, scanned and prodded and poked for hours and hours and hours day after day because she was a catalyst and not Ren stopped becoming the norm and-
Afternoons being held, getting her hair braided, having birthdays, getting snacks, laughing, smiling, dancing-when all that started to be the expectation.
She doesn't remember when she stopped being afraid of the elves-when staying an arm's length away, sleeping outside the tent, only coming by for one meal, sometimes two, turned into contorting her body near whoever went to sleep first, because being next to them felt more natural than being alone.
She doesn't remember when this unbelievable, unimaginable dream became reality. A life she never thought to wish for because it was so out of her grasp. Because the unbelievable isn't supposed to happen for her. But it did.
It surrounds her daily and she doesn't remember crossing over that suddenly blurry line.
And it's weird, again, to hear someone speak in a language she understands. It's hard for her to reach people and equally difficult to figure them out at times and it's why she gravitated to Taako, who always gave her a way out. Who seemed to get her, even when he didn't. And now Kravitz is speaking in that same tone, using words she can't ignore because they reach deep, deep into her heart.
And she's realizing, how he's become a part of that unbelievable life he's touting. Comforting her about a death that never mattered, saying he'd find her, with the same conviction as Seto, giving her something to believe in for the first time in far too many years.
This isn't how it's supposed to be is what she wants to say. Wants to point out that this is a fluke, powered by the endless kindness of two elves, that's she bound to push to its limits soon enough.
She's dead silent, completely still, immobile to the point that it seems like his words put her on overload, until-
Her body begins to shift, until she's on her knees and straightening up so they're face to face. The hands around him move up, so she's gently pressing her palms against his cheek.]
You guys are already my 'unbelievable happiness.' My treasures. You fill my heart up so it's warm and happy all the time. I don't need anymore happiness.
[It would be selfish to even ask for things to get better than they are. There's no point.]
You don't need to make more 'unbelievable' things happen. You do that kind of thing every day.
[His words shook her, but she knows better. She's lived with this illness long enough to know its limits and the hopelessness surrounding it.]
They need to say 'I won't try'. So you can say 'I give up' too- It's okay. If you say it, then-
[When she tells the elves, it'll be easy for them to follow suit. If they give up, then they won't be disappointed when they inevitably realize what she's known her whole life-one that's already gone on for too long. If they all give up, that saves time-time spent looking for something meaningless, to time that can be used doing things together if-
They even want to be with her.
The fear of being ignored and locked up and pushed away is too strong-the flickers of a life she vividly remembers in her dream, hiding under her bed because there was no one to help her, living in darkness because then there was really and truly no one left on the earth, finding someone and watching him ignore her because he wanted to try-
She doesn't want that to happen again.]
Wishes don't work for me, but if you say that-then I think my wish will come true this time.
[Taako will always understand Ren because Taako is just that guy, the man who sees something screwed up and extends a hand without meaning to. And Kravitz knows in a way he still doesn't know how to describe, not quite over that blurry line himself of when everything became so different. He's been alone so long he would struggle to pick out days, even the week it was, missing months and holidays and the tethers of the waking world. Years felt like nothing. Monotony droned into monotony and there was always more to be done, so there was no point in counting.
But he can pick out time, since he met Taako. Since what should have been an unremarkable mission turned into the extraordinary, until he goes to talk to him, until he's got a clock on his desk to track their next date. To here, to this, to knowing when to sleep and eat and spending all of it in the company of people making an effort to understand him. He doesn't know when time became real again. He didn't even recognize he was gone.
Kravitz doesn't know the day to track that he started to truly live again.
It's felt unreal to him in the same way it has to her, except instead of wishing for it in so many words it simply appeared in his life without realizing he even needed it. And to say he knows now would be fake, a realization he hasn't come to like she has; all he has is a reaction he doesn't understand to be afraid if he thinks it might be lost.
And he doesn't want to lose her. He wants her to understand, to trust him, as they find their shaky steps between.]
Ren... I can't promise you I can cure whatever you have. I wouldn't do that. I also can't promise you won't die. I want you to know I will never say something to you about this that isn't the truth, and I know what my expectations are. Trust me, you are... not the first.
[Just the only one he's known this well, this long. They were faceless, victims of a bigger crime, dragged from oblivion by desperate people and dragged back by a shackled man. He was not the comfort they wanted or understood, but what the universe demands.]
But you don't need to hide. Things can be the same, but you don't need to hide your pills, or not tell us when you're not feeling well. We can help with that. If we know when you're doing badly, we can make that part better. Alright?
[You are not the first comes out of his mouth and it's how she knows it was right to place her trust in him. It's a job. It's a part of him. It's unfair of her to ask, given what might happen. It's going to be impossible for her to find him, but if she can remember that he promised to try, that's good enough. If she can slowly fall asleep in a cold, dark building and know he might be coming, that's enough. Because he understands the importance of it all, in a way others don't. Accepting it because he knows it's a fact of life and fighting it is pointless.
He's telling her the truth. His truth. And it might not be the same as the two elves she's terrified to face, but-
Hearing it reminds her of-makes her think they're all stuffed animals or treasures she can clutch against her chest when it hurt, hurt, hurts because she messed up her dosage on endless nights and being trapped in rooms without her bag and-
They are her treasures-she said as much only a second ago and his words pierce through her, causing her to rub her thumbs against his cheeks, like she's trying to wipe away invisible tears. Like they're threatening to fall down his face and not hers.
Because she understands they would try to help her, they would try to make it better, they wouldn't stop until it was better and that's the problem.
But it would be nice, the selfish part of her thinks, to be able to curl up in blankets around the tent when she's not feeling well. To not have to worry about them asking and wondering and feeling like there's something wrong with her. That it might be nice, for once, to feel comfortable enough in the presence of someone to just-take her medicine after dinner and not after finding an abandoned section of woods to quickly twist off the cap of her pill bottles, hoping the sound doesn't reach their ears.
So she doesn't say No.]
I'm scared. If I tell them-
[She's terrified of the possibility they'll leave, but it was always there. It's always lingered in the back of her mind and Kravitz is speaking with confidence that her fears are unfounded. It's just-]
Will you hold my hand? If I say this kind of thing to them, you won't leave, right?
[She wipes at his face and he swallows like he's trying not to cry on reflex, just to match her in a way he doesn't mean. Instead, he simply tilts her head forward to press his lips gently against her forehead. Hold her still. Calm her mind. It's going to be okay.]
Of course. I'll be right there at your side.
[He shifts his hands down to cup her face, smile as warmly as he can.]
Just think. Taako will be so proud you managed to trick him for so long. You know how sneaky he can be.
[Kravitz can't help but mimic her movement, the gentle thumb over her cheek.]
We're all here for you. And I won't leave. Can you stand with me this time?
[He's quiet, but his eyes are almost begging. Please, just go with him on this. Please, believe in him. Please, just do this so he can do something right for once.]
[It's a mistake and Kravitz doesn't get it. He's too far removed from humanity to understand what's going to happen in the next few hours, few days-as if it's going to just be normal at the end of it.
The worst case scenario has been at the forefront of her mind since I like them turned to I love them-the half truths and lies forming a cage around her that felt impenetrable and-
That was a comfort, until recently. Until the guilt of of being able to use Aunt and Uncle freely, to being able to add more people into their family, until they decided to waste their time on a birthday-until it all began to chip away at it, allowing her to be more than a tool for someone else's use.
Now she has to face the consequences of enjoying all these gestures, this freedom, that she wasn't supposed to have.
And he won't be proud of her at all-not one bit, but Kravitz is here.
He's with her and that's one thing she can believe in.]
Okay.
[It's a small acknowledgement that she'll confess. Quiet, hesitant and sounding as tiny as she feels right now, but it's the first time she's agreed to place her trust in someone over this. Even Seto wasn't this accepting, this comforting, when he found out.
Her hands drop from his face, wrapping around his neck, as she burrows herself back into him. They probably have some time before the elves show back up and she's going to soak up every second she has left in this tent-
[It won't be normal. It won't be-- the same normal. With the reveal of new information comes changes, comes differences and alterations. But it also brings understanding. It brings an end to the stagnancy of pain, to the immovable wall of isolation. Something has to shift, for the truth to come out.
Ren may not see it. But he knows Taako, has started getting to know Lup. They wouldn't abandon her like that. He doesn't know the deeper meaning of why they took her in at the forefront, why they may have such strong feelings for a little girl in a broken world, but Kravitz knows a thing or two about reading souls.
It's going to be fine. Weird, and a bit messy, and a little bit more yelling than he'd probably prefer out of any situation, but... it's going to be fine.
He wraps his arms around her in turn, tilting his head down to press his lips on her head, his nose on her hair. He's never gotten used to the warmth of a physical body, the way his heart beats and his skin isn't cold. But he hopes now it's a comfort, in what he can impart.
It's like she had said to him, so long ago. She can feel his heart.
['When's your birthday?' a horrible goblin asked many moons ago.
Kravitz may not remember that moment, but boy she sure did.
Recovering from the last island has been slow going and there's no better way to shake off that horrible funk than by waking up at an ungodly hour to prepare something.
And it's indeed something.
Her fort skills have become second to none, thanks to having copious amounts of free time and no responsibilities ever. So the first thing Kravitz probably notices, or second thing, considering the first is probably her face just staring at him, is a fort with this blanket covering it under a nearby tree.
And on the outside of it, is a small piece of paper that says 'Asstroll Plane' permanently glued to the top. Amazing.
It's a quiet zone that even she'll be silent around, for at least today, if he goes into it. It's a special Kravitz space. And on the inside, he'll notice she really had a grand ole time with that super stick glue spray. There are tin can pieces, rocks, shells covering the 'ceiling' inside it. Amazing. It's the moon and stars she'll say because it wouldn't be complete without them. There's a very good pillow in there for Pepper she'll add, because's that valid too. Who could forget The Bird??
Anyway, happy birthday Kravitz. Enjoy the quiet time and the new Nap Zone.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rosecarmine
7/15 iSTONE
Date: 2018-07-21 03:24 am (UTC)And in particular, she has a Deep Concern for Kravitz. She isn't sure if he understands how to be alive to the point where he can go off on his own for a couple days, so. You know. Here she is.]
Don't forget to listen to your stomach and take a nap if your eyes get very tired and you have to drink a lot of water if you get hot, okay?
sweet girl
Date: 2018-07-25 04:38 am (UTC)But he answers anyway. What's he gonna do, not do that?]
Don't worry, Ren, we're keeping fine. It's not like I went out here alone. Are you alright?
she's BAD
Date: 2018-07-28 02:52 pm (UTC)[No need to worry about her-she has a cat and Seto. There's no way she could get into any trouble with those two around. The two things this group is sorely lacking and why she has Concerns.]
You should look for cat there. If you find them, they'll keep you safe.
NO SHES GOOD
Date: 2018-08-11 05:07 am (UTC)[He's sort of accepted by now that Ren says things sometimes that he absolutely can't parse. It's one part a Thing Kids Do and another part a Thing Ren Does, and it just gets him every time. It's hard enough to science out what Taako is saying at any given moment, but Ren is just so off the table most of the time. At least she can't see him raise his eyebrow as he attempts to formulate a response to that.]
I'll... keep my eyes out. I don't think there's going to be any over here, though. You saw it when we came over. There didn't seem to be any kinds of life at all. So far, we're seeing the same the further we go.
F A L S E
Date: 2018-08-13 04:59 pm (UTC)[Ya'll need to become cat believers. First Tim, now Kravitz. Can no one accept that cats have to be on the island? They're sleeping in a safe place they've yet to find, that's all.]
Have you found ARUM-25's family? Robots like that?
G O O D
Date: 2018-08-17 02:50 am (UTC)Well, yes and no. We've found a large amount of similar looking robots, but none functioning. Most still too covered in flowers to really get out.
[All the same as they go.]
It's a bit unsettling, to be honest. I don't know if any of them knew Arum-25, though.
🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Date: 2018-08-18 12:43 am (UTC)There's a pause on her end and if Kravitz were lucky, it would be the silence that follows a rock disconnection, but unfortunately he's not a winner, now or ever. Welcome to hell.]
I think they're lonely in that place.
[No friends, no family-it's a feeling she understands, no matter how removed she is from her world.]
Can you make them-
[Something warm?? Lup's got fire, so maybe-]
Fire armor?
dont u confusion at me i love her
Date: 2018-08-21 06:28 pm (UTC)I... I mean, the fire would still burn them, so. Probably not. A shield, perhaps, but that isn't really something I could sustain, or--
[Wait, no, stop stop stop, the more information you give the more Ren's going to ask questions that make no sense.]
We'll be sure to leave them comfortable. If we find any. If any others are alive, we'll let everyone know.
b a d
Date: 2018-08-25 09:08 pm (UTC)Okay. If you do, tell them they don't have to be alone anymore. That'll make them happy.
l o v e
Date: 2018-08-29 04:28 am (UTC)I'll pass it along, yes.
[A small pause.]
We'll-- I'll call later, alright? You needn't keep calling us. I wouldn't want to, uhm, waste your time.
[Sure, that's the reason.]
w o w w w w w
Date: 2018-09-04 02:25 am (UTC)[But that's fine. She made her kitty point and she needs to grill lobsters about future phoenix jailbreaks.]
I'll keep this treasure by my ear and listen for you again, so you can call whenever you want. I'll be right here.
adore!!!!!
Date: 2018-09-06 06:41 pm (UTC)We'll be sure to let you know. Once I have anything that isn't the twins arguing.
[Sounds like another metal detector spat is starting in the background...]
I have to go deal with this, we'll speak soon, alright?
bye felicia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: 2018-09-06 08:33 pm (UTC)Okay. I know you can 'crush it.'
[Which sounds like a threat?? Sorta?? But she's really offering her support. It's fine.
And then the rock goes silent. Enjoy the momentary peace and quiet from her end, at least.]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-18 03:11 am (UTC)Hey asshole! I heard you can get drunk now, that doesn't seem like a very non-corporeal thing to do!
(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-21 06:50 pm (UTC)You don't sound exactly sober either. You want me to blame you for that?
(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-29 03:28 am (UTC)[ Tomorrow morning, when he's painfully hung over and able to remember most of this conversation in horrible detail, Lucas will make a note to himself: alcohol and righteous indignance make his self-preservation instincts disappear. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-09-30 11:09 pm (UTC)There is no ghost jail here. There isn't an afterlife at all. So, I'm afraid if you continue to bother me, I'll just have to take the direct route of stabbing you with the weapon I feel the need to remind you I have.
[You wanna fucking do this, Lucas, you REALLY WANT TO DO THIS]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-01 02:54 am (UTC)There is a long, terrible silence on Lucas's end of the conversation before he finally speaks up again, against his better interests. ]
... Asshole. Can't believe the Grim Reaper is basically a high school bully with a big knife.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-08 03:41 am (UTC)What do you want me to say, Lucas? That death isn't fair? That you feel the jilted hero who tried to shatter laws set by gods for your own interests and perhaps I have a personal problem with that? Yes, everything was resolved, and yes, your mother went to the proper plane. But that doesn't change my feelings on the matter. You may, by the laws of my Lady be absolved, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-09 01:23 am (UTC)That's... that's not...! You didn't haf't'pretend that you could send me to ghost jail if I looked at you the wrong way either, but that sure didn't stop you!
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-12 06:37 pm (UTC)[But he could. Probably. Technically he made the call to let Lucas off, he could've done it and his Lady would not have even cared.]
I've seen what you do even with limits, Lucas. The god here is as strict on necromancy as I am. Don't try it.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-14 04:28 am (UTC)[ HE WILL REGRET THIS SO HARD IN THE MORNING ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-10-23 02:13 am (UTC)[Listen, Kravitz could be handling it better too instead of doubling down on just. Everything.]
You're the one who wanted to start this, Lucas, so take it.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-05 12:57 am (UTC)[ AND THEN HE HANGS UP, and promptly passes out. When he wakes up, he will regret every single one of his life choices, especially once he remembers that Kravitz still has most of his powers, and also a giant scythe. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-06 07:55 pm (UTC)[And the line goes dead, meaning Kravitz just rolls his eyes, grumbles a few profanities, and shoves the stone back in his pocket.
Fight him IRL, Lucas. He's not the one who broke death law.]
early january
Date: 2019-01-04 11:08 pm (UTC)Something like this happened every month, so it would be easy for her to push aside too, except-
She hadn't done that before. She fought. She wanted to find a way out, come home, be with her family and the vivid memory of fighting back has stuck with her-pulling the sword up, her shaking fingers tangling together, how terrified she was when the knife went through them and how fast she had run.
There was never a point to fighting back. Not when she was going to die anyway. It was never an option and now, she made it one. Her family wasn't there to fall back on, friends were scattered and she-
Wanted to live.
She wants to live without the crushing fear that's controlled her since the moment she was born. There's no chance for a cure, but there's an opportunity-she was brave. She can be brave. And Guzma's harsh words have never left her, urging her to do something she never thought possible.
She's scared of their reaction. Of the potential loss of a home, family, of a place for Seto to return to, but there's one person she can go to without that lingering fear. A man who dealt with death so often in his work, he couldn't be mad at her. He's probably seen other sick kids, knows what that means-
There's only so long she stay dead silent and stare at Kravitz's back. A part of her wants to turn around, to curl back up into the blankets in the tent, despite the heat and hide there. But she found him for a reason, she's been staring at him for a reason and no matter what he's doing, she interrupts with a quick and quiet-]
When people died-
[Something in her throat closes up and it's hard to stay there, when she's ready to bolt 900 miles in the other direction.]
Were their families mad at them?
yesss
Date: 2019-01-08 05:42 am (UTC)Or well, he'd hope.
Kravitz is distracted as he sits within their tent, working on peeling something or other for dinner and thinking about what may befall them next. But her voice cuts through his thoughts and he looks over his shoulder, turning so he can look over his shoulder at her.]
I... no, not. I mean, unless their actions were rather foolish leading to their demise.
[He didn't ask what her trial was like, but he's wondering now if that was the case.]
Did you get hurt during your trial?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-10 12:39 am (UTC)She'd wake up next to a wall with one less tally mark than before. Upset, but alive. From the sound of it, the experience was generally similar among all groups. People got hurt and died and played that horrible, seemingly endless game until they were able to escape. That's why her answer is a shake of the head, then a half nod and she looks troubled by the entire thought. She doesn't know what to say.
What she focuses on is his answer-honest and attentive as it is. No, unless they were foolish, even if she doesn't know what foolish entails.
She scoots a little closer and raises her hand to sort of gently push his face to look away from her, if he doesn't move away. It's easier without eye contact, somehow. There's another long pause, a second where she decides to stand up to leave, then sits back down just as fast and-
Then she starts to speak again, voice hesitant and quiet.]
Do you have to give back your family? Is that something-do people get mad and want 'Uncle' and 'Aunt' back?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-13 06:50 am (UTC)She adjusts his head, and he just doesn't know what he's expecting to come out of her mouth then. But he does it. If there's one thing he's learned from these strange people he's accumulated, you just sort of... do those requests. That's all these is to it.
He sighs, looking at his knee as he thinks about it- but he leaves his hand, palm out, just in front of him on the ground. Just in case.]
No. Family remains family when you die. That's... just how it is. A mother would still have birthed a child if she then died. She keeps her title. She has... earned that. And others do as the titles given to them.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-13 06:53 pm (UTC)He's saying it. He knows. He's seen far more than she ever has and has experienced loss over and over, even if it wasn't his own.
Her eyes catch sight of his hand and she scoots forward a bit, still hiding behind him, to clutch it. Having that gaze on her wasn't comforting, but a warm hand always is. She tries to intertwine her fingers in his, hoping that vice grip will keep him from moving away as she struggles to get her words out.]
Would you still let me call you Uncle Kravitz? Even if something in me was very bad?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-18 05:00 am (UTC)She takes his hand, and he lets her use him as the anchor she needs.]
Ren, I have seen many, many people over my life. Most of them were terrible, unrepentant people who wanted power and did not care how they acquired it. Most others had good intentions, but a horrible fallout. And I've come to know what tends to make a bad person.
[He closes his hand gently around hers.]
I'm confident you are not one of them. And I would say I have the experience to be confident in that regard.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-19 08:20 pm (UTC)It's scary. It's really scary and she doesn't want to talk anymore. Maybe she can end it here, hold his hand for the rest of the night and pretend the conversation never happened. This hasn't been a problem for them. It's easy enough to hide in the woods every night, to find chances to be alone to take her medicine, to skip a dose because she can't get out of their eyesight, to pretend she isn't scared and terrified and shaking because her bag's gone and they're trapped in a jail for days and she can't say anything about what really exhausting her-
Guzma made his point loud and clear. The god dog imparted a quiet lesson on her. Kravitz is here, trying to ease fears he doesn't know about with an honesty that she can't ignore.
Her fingers clench and release around his hand, like she's going to tear away and leave, like she doesn't want to ever go, like she's going to run, run, run, like she she's using every bit of strength she has to keep him there and-
Her throat's dry, her heart's hammering against her chest and-]
Something-
[She can't hear her own voice over the pound, pound, pound, and that's probably for the best. Every word shakes with terror and hesitancy, but-
She doesn't want to be afraid-not of this. When she holds their hands at night, she doesn't want to wonder what'll happen when they stop grasping it back. She doesn't want to look at their smiles and think about the day they won't be happy to see her. She doesn't want to give back aunt and uncle and her family. Treasures that are hers, people that are so close to her heart-that it feels like they've always been together. She wants to keep them, be with them and-]
In my heart. It's really bad and-
I'm sick. I'm going to die.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-23 08:00 pm (UTC)Ren is... never what he's expected, and it's hard to say anyone he's really encountered is. Everyone has something he can't expect in this place, so trying to parse them has become impossible and largely a fool's errand. Perhaps, in a way, it makes him listen better. But none of that is important in the wake of her shaky words, her trembling body, the realization and context of conversations that have come before.
Being saved is scary too, sometimes.
I'm not strong or brave, so I have to hide.
I'm glad it's you.
He opens his mouth just slightly, enough for the lips to part like he wants to have words on them and simply doesn't. So instead he closes them, swallows, knowing he has to give an answer quickly to stop her from stewing so long in her fear.]
I'm not angry with you.
[It's the only thing he can think of to start- if she is afraid, someone must have given her reason to. He hopes it wasn't him, but who knows the unintended consequences of speaking on those who cheat death. He has no chance to go back to those mistakes. He has to move forward. So he reaches out, places his other hand over hers, gentle.]
Ren, I... I'm very sorry. Being sick does not make you a bad person. Is...
[It feels bad to assume, but he should get on the right page here.]
Does Taako know?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-26 04:44 pm (UTC)She doesn't know why he's lying to her about this. He has to know, has to see, that it's different for her. Something in his book must mention they spent time, money, and resources on her that were wasted the second she became symptomatic. For someone like her-getting sick made her a waste. Made her heart bad. Made her unsuitable for everything-she heard it again and again and again, from the hearts of people who locked the door the room without a word. From their voices through the vents.
She doesn't need him to console her with a lie. She already knows, but if he's not mad, if he's not upset, that's the smallest victory she can take from this moment. And she almost doesn't believe it-doesn't think those words are even real, until she attempts to press her head against his chest, to listen to his heart in the closest way she can. It's only a second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Just enough to hear a thump because Taako's name comes out of his mouth and-]
No. I can't say something like that-not to him.
[That gripping fear comes in waves. Every memory of him smiling at her, holding her hand, adorning matching aprons and playing with food, being threatened by his spells and feeling excitement instead of fear, snuggling against his side at night, playing hide and seek and painting nails and giving him wishes because he deserves it more-
It could stop. It could definitely stop. It would absolutely stop. And she would have to go. It's ingrained her that she has to go because only Seto, only Kravitz, only a few people understand. It's why she went off to die alone because he wouldn't be sad if he didn't see it. It wouldn't matter if he didn't see it. It doesn't exist if you don't see it. ]
I want him to smile at me. I don't want to-if he gets-[Mad. Sad. If it takes that smile off his face-] Then he won't want to be with me. He won't-he might not look at me anymore.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-29 05:02 am (UTC)All that to say, of course his book doesn't say anything about that, and he doesn't care. He wouldn't ever think that of her, that her life was worthless, that he would be angry. If anything, he's just concerned that she's been holding this in for over a year.
He swallows, reaching forward, putting his other hand on her to invite her into a hug.]
We don't have to go about that right now. But I can promise you, he won't be angry either. Come-- come here, alright?
[He has no idea what to do here. The problem with being so devoid from the living, from connections, is that despite all his words and roles he has no idea how to handle this. All he can do is what he does to Taako in these situations- hold them close, pet their hair, give them gentle bits of love. It's all he has.]
I won't hurt you if you're close. I promise.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-30 03:54 am (UTC)But at the end of the day, it's her favorite thing about him and even I can promise you doesn't sway her thoughts. If there's a chance he won't smile, won't laugh, won't play along with her afternoon games or-
It's selfish. It's wrong. It clashes with the beliefs she's held for so long and the new ones brought to light by her friends, her family, people who make her think that she can talk and not be discarded for being a failure because they never saw her as one to begin with.
But it's scary and the greedy part of her wants to hold onto more than treasure. She wants to hold this. She wants to hold them.
She wants to hold him and when the offer comes out, she doesn't hesitate to unlatch her hand from his, twist her body, turn her back to the opening of the tent to press against his side. Her arms don't wrap around him. All she does is pull them against her own chest to hide and hide.
Because she did. She said it. It's out, in the open, spoken to a grim reaper because she thought he might understand, that he would get it, that he would know and-
He didn't push her away-he's bringing her close. He didn't tell her to go-she can stay. He didn't agree she was bad, even lying to try and quell that fear.
And-
It's a mumble. Her quiet voice completely buffered by the shirt, by an attempt to whisper, by fearing the answer that's going to follow because she knows he could lie, it might definitely be a lie-]
I like to hide where the cats are.
[The sewers, the safest room in abandoned, haunted buildings.]
There's a white one. He was-he's a good boy. He could always find me and I always found him. We're together a lot. If you see him-
[By chalk covered manhole covers, by amusement parks she never dared to cross through, through old dams and broken down malls-]
If you see Seto, if he's alone. Maybe-
[The corners of old grocers, near fields of pretty flowers, by puddles that glimmered under the moonlight near blossoms that shared her name-]
I'm there. I'm nearby. If you find that world, someday, if someone-if anyone finds us, that's where I'm hiding. I don't want to-
[Die. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to be alone and die. But it's impossible to ask for more than the unknown bit of time she was given, so long as this steady supply of medicine keeps coming, she has a chance here. But if she's ripped, torn, thrown back into that nightmarish world then-]
Will you look for me?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-31 07:50 pm (UTC)Whatever Death is running her world has obviously done a piss poor job. He'll do them a favor, just this once. No one will even notice.
It's dangerous thoughts he's thinking, and he knows it-- that's how people get into necromancy, into deciding their wishes mean more than the galaxy-- but he knows a few things about circumstances. She has helped him in more ways than he can detail. If he can pay her back this small kindness, if he can figure out a way to make this work, then it won't matter. And he thinks he can do that. He knows he can.]
Of course I will. I'll come find you, alright? I'll get you.
[It's quiet for a moment while he holds her close, feeling too acutely the rising and falling of his own chest, the way his morality limits him here. He can't stop her from dying- there are marks too far, even for the people he loves- but he can control her afterlife. He has power, and exceptions can be made. He has time enough here to compile her case, lock it tight before getting the Raven Queen's approval. He can do this. He can do something.]
Are... you getting the medication you need, here? Are you taking it alright?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-02 07:39 pm (UTC)It's what made her realize this was something to hide-the very first time she called his name, over and over, and he never once looked back at her. The doctors had reacted the same way-their occasional visits growing shorter once it came out she was dying. Their eyes wouldn't linger on her. They would drop off food, the medicine, take her vitals, she'd feel how little it mattered and-
The door would lock again. She'd be alone, again, and that's how it's always been.
Until now.
The tension building in her shoulders, her spine, making her whole body stiffen as if she's trying to turn into a rock while she holds her breath, tries not to breathe, and awaits an answer she knows could be bad and-
His arms feel like a shield and the way he keeps her close when so many have pushed her away makes her wonder if this confession is just a dream. If she's even awake at all. The line between reality and everything else can sometimes be incredibly small and she doesn't always recognize crossing over it.
But she can feel his chest rise and fall in a real, warm way. Knows it has to be his hands clutching her against his body and the words have to be true, that he'll try, that she doesn't believe he can find their world, but if he does-
If he does, she might not have to become a ghost, become a spirit that hurts others, die alone. Die completely alone, forgotten, in the bottom of a building, a dam, an old sewer-
If he does, Seto might not have to spend the rest of his days alone, because he'll see someone come through. He'll know people are out there. He'll know to follow Kravitz and remember the elves and know there's a family waiting just beyond-
He says he'll find her, keeps holding her, and that heavy, heavy weight leaves her body with an exhale. Her shoulders relax, it feels lighter-much lighter. She's never felt this relieved before.
He can't see the smile forming across her face, since her face is still pressed against him, but it's there and he probably can't hear the mumbled
Thank you
Because she doesn't even know if it came out of her mouth or if it's something her heart's repeating with every beat, beat, beat, but-]
The bunny finds it for me and I take it every day before the sun goes down. But I know where to do that. I know where to hide so they don't see me take it.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-07 07:43 pm (UTC)He can't, with her like this. He can't, stuck in a place like this. But both were necessary to make it to the place they have, where this information could be garnered and shared and slowly added to the universe. For one with so much patience, his want to exercise it is pulling at the seams.]
Ren... I can't speak to how your world operated. I do not know the experiences you have had and, admittedly, my knowledge on the subject of knowing... people, and the like, is not the most advanced. But the purpose of a family is to watch out for one another.
[Kravitz strokes her hair once more, his breath staying steady, a pulse of acknowledgement that he's still there.]
They would not want you to go through this alone. And they would want to know. It... you never know what can be accomplished. Perhaps we can make this easier for you.
[He doesn't want to say she can be cured, doesn't want to put that promise, because it's doubtful it would transfer home or that she could be altered in such a way. But he's thinking it, in terms of short-term solutions or something to work on Right Just Now. He has to at least have that or he'll go absolutely ballistic.]
I think you know all they have ever done is try to help you. They will want to help again.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-07 10:18 pm (UTC)[Easier isn't a cure and while she knows that-
Her body goes rigid and motionless-this is what she wanted to avoid. This is why letting her fears get the best of her until a confession came pouring out because she thought she could be braver, could get rid of this one fear, could trust them to not push her away, was a bad idea. No matter how good comforting it was to hear he would find her come out of his mouth.
But it reminds her of Seto and she can see the vivid memory of his back, the first time he turned away from her. When he thought he could make it easier. Could find a cure in the ruins of old buildings. That train doesn't lead anywhere good-not for her and hearing their voices say good morning, pumpkin sometimes feels like the only medicine she needs. As if that acknowledgment spurns her to wake up and not the medicine coursing through her veins.
To lose that-them. It's a real possibility and Seto-
All he ever wanted was to help her, knowing the only thing she could offer back was the warmth of her hand.]
I want them to say 'I give up.'
[And all they have ever done is try to help you makes that fear surge back to life. Every simple gesture is a potential loss she doesn't want to put on the line. Every hair braid, hug, light kiss to her face-
Being given a blanket, a pillow, a place to sleep and hide and people to press her back against so she can sleep a little easier.
Birthdays, clothes, shoes, pieces of charcoal to draw on tents and buildings, food that she can eat and eat without worrying if the color on it is going to make her sick.
They've given her everything. They've done everything for her and all she can offer back is-
The knowledge that she wasn't worth it to begin with. Unsuitable to do more than wait wait wait for her body to become immune to the medicine. It'd be easier to tell them if she knew the first thing they would do is give up, but they won't.
They've never given up on her and for the first time-
She hates it. ]
It won't change anything. This is how it is. It won't get 'easier.'
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-19 05:10 am (UTC)Kravitz sighs, a burdened exhale that comes more freely with actual breath in his body.]
It's... it's not like you think.
[He wants her to just believe him, to trust in his expertise, and that might be why this is so complicated. Why should she not believe him? Is he not credible? Is he not strong enough to be the force to protect her? Is he not a god in his own rig--
He's not. Not a god. Never was.
And what would any diety of death do now?
He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to think of what to say.]
Sometimes, when we experience something for so long, when we grow within the confines of our lives, we find ourselves of the belief that it cannot be changed. That the only things we know must be true, because the alternative is... a scary place. A place where we do not know anything, where the tenants of the world have been shaken. And it is safer to believe in our own pain than it is to go to the unknown.
[He feels like he knows and doesn't all at once as he speaks, trying to parse the feelings of getting himself to this point. The confusion as Magnus, Merle and Taako addressed him as a regular person instead of in his station. His decision to go to their apartment when there was a problem, an invitation to a date, a warm hand in his across a grassy lawn. An acknowledgement of something long lost as lips press to his, as he melts into a kind of touch he'd forgotten. Kravitz blames himself often for falling so quickly and so hard for Taako, but he's beginning to suspect Taako was only half the equation.]
Could you have imagined any of this, when it was at it's hardest? That this kind of happiness could find you? If that unbelievable thing then was real... could this unbelievable thing be, in time, real as well?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-23 06:09 pm (UTC)Afternoons being held, getting her hair braided, having birthdays, getting snacks, laughing, smiling, dancing-when all that started to be the expectation.
She doesn't remember when she stopped being afraid of the elves-when staying an arm's length away, sleeping outside the tent, only coming by for one meal, sometimes two, turned into contorting her body near whoever went to sleep first, because being next to them felt more natural than being alone.
She doesn't remember when this unbelievable, unimaginable dream became reality. A life she never thought to wish for because it was so out of her grasp. Because the unbelievable isn't supposed to happen for her. But it did.
It surrounds her daily and she doesn't remember crossing over that suddenly blurry line.
And it's weird, again, to hear someone speak in a language she understands. It's hard for her to reach people and equally difficult to figure them out at times and it's why she gravitated to Taako, who always gave her a way out. Who seemed to get her, even when he didn't. And now Kravitz is speaking in that same tone, using words she can't ignore because they reach deep, deep into her heart.
And she's realizing, how he's become a part of that unbelievable life he's touting. Comforting her about a death that never mattered, saying he'd find her, with the same conviction as Seto, giving her something to believe in for the first time in far too many years.
This isn't how it's supposed to be is what she wants to say. Wants to point out that this is a fluke, powered by the endless kindness of two elves, that's she bound to push to its limits soon enough.
She's dead silent, completely still, immobile to the point that it seems like his words put her on overload, until-
Her body begins to shift, until she's on her knees and straightening up so they're face to face. The hands around him move up, so she's gently pressing her palms against his cheek.]
You guys are already my 'unbelievable happiness.' My treasures. You fill my heart up so it's warm and happy all the time. I don't need anymore happiness.
[It would be selfish to even ask for things to get better than they are. There's no point.]
You don't need to make more 'unbelievable' things happen. You do that kind of thing every day.
[His words shook her, but she knows better. She's lived with this illness long enough to know its limits and the hopelessness surrounding it.]
They need to say 'I won't try'. So you can say 'I give up' too- It's okay. If you say it, then-
[When she tells the elves, it'll be easy for them to follow suit. If they give up, then they won't be disappointed when they inevitably realize what she's known her whole life-one that's already gone on for too long. If they all give up, that saves time-time spent looking for something meaningless, to time that can be used doing things together if-
They even want to be with her.
The fear of being ignored and locked up and pushed away is too strong-the flickers of a life she vividly remembers in her dream, hiding under her bed because there was no one to help her, living in darkness because then there was really and truly no one left on the earth, finding someone and watching him ignore her because he wanted to try-
She doesn't want that to happen again.]
Wishes don't work for me, but if you say that-then I think my wish will come true this time.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-26 02:44 am (UTC)But he can pick out time, since he met Taako. Since what should have been an unremarkable mission turned into the extraordinary, until he goes to talk to him, until he's got a clock on his desk to track their next date. To here, to this, to knowing when to sleep and eat and spending all of it in the company of people making an effort to understand him. He doesn't know when time became real again. He didn't even recognize he was gone.
Kravitz doesn't know the day to track that he started to truly live again.
It's felt unreal to him in the same way it has to her, except instead of wishing for it in so many words it simply appeared in his life without realizing he even needed it. And to say he knows now would be fake, a realization he hasn't come to like she has; all he has is a reaction he doesn't understand to be afraid if he thinks it might be lost.
And he doesn't want to lose her. He wants her to understand, to trust him, as they find their shaky steps between.]
Ren... I can't promise you I can cure whatever you have. I wouldn't do that. I also can't promise you won't die. I want you to know I will never say something to you about this that isn't the truth, and I know what my expectations are. Trust me, you are... not the first.
[Just the only one he's known this well, this long. They were faceless, victims of a bigger crime, dragged from oblivion by desperate people and dragged back by a shackled man. He was not the comfort they wanted or understood, but what the universe demands.]
But you don't need to hide. Things can be the same, but you don't need to hide your pills, or not tell us when you're not feeling well. We can help with that. If we know when you're doing badly, we can make that part better. Alright?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-03 07:54 pm (UTC)He's telling her the truth. His truth. And it might not be the same as the two elves she's terrified to face, but-
Hearing it reminds her of-makes her think they're all stuffed animals or treasures she can clutch against her chest when it hurt, hurt, hurts because she messed up her dosage on endless nights and being trapped in rooms without her bag and-
They are her treasures-she said as much only a second ago and his words pierce through her, causing her to rub her thumbs against his cheeks, like she's trying to wipe away invisible tears. Like they're threatening to fall down his face and not hers.
Because she understands they would try to help her, they would try to make it better, they wouldn't stop until it was better and that's the problem.
But it would be nice, the selfish part of her thinks, to be able to curl up in blankets around the tent when she's not feeling well. To not have to worry about them asking and wondering and feeling like there's something wrong with her. That it might be nice, for once, to feel comfortable enough in the presence of someone to just-take her medicine after dinner and not after finding an abandoned section of woods to quickly twist off the cap of her pill bottles, hoping the sound doesn't reach their ears.
So she doesn't say No.]
I'm scared. If I tell them-
[She's terrified of the possibility they'll leave, but it was always there. It's always lingered in the back of her mind and Kravitz is speaking with confidence that her fears are unfounded. It's just-]
Will you hold my hand? If I say this kind of thing to them, you won't leave, right?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-08 05:54 am (UTC)Of course. I'll be right there at your side.
[He shifts his hands down to cup her face, smile as warmly as he can.]
Just think. Taako will be so proud you managed to trick him for so long. You know how sneaky he can be.
[Kravitz can't help but mimic her movement, the gentle thumb over her cheek.]
We're all here for you. And I won't leave. Can you stand with me this time?
[He's quiet, but his eyes are almost begging. Please, just go with him on this. Please, believe in him. Please, just do this so he can do something right for once.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-11 11:08 pm (UTC)The worst case scenario has been at the forefront of her mind since I like them turned to I love them-the half truths and lies forming a cage around her that felt impenetrable and-
That was a comfort, until recently. Until the guilt of of being able to use Aunt and Uncle freely, to being able to add more people into their family, until they decided to waste their time on a birthday-until it all began to chip away at it, allowing her to be more than a tool for someone else's use.
Now she has to face the consequences of enjoying all these gestures, this freedom, that she wasn't supposed to have.
And he won't be proud of her at all-not one bit, but Kravitz is here.
He's with her and that's one thing she can believe in.]
Okay.
[It's a small acknowledgement that she'll confess. Quiet, hesitant and sounding as tiny as she feels right now, but it's the first time she's agreed to place her trust in someone over this. Even Seto wasn't this accepting, this comforting, when he found out.
Her hands drop from his face, wrapping around his neck, as she burrows herself back into him. They probably have some time before the elves show back up and she's going to soak up every second she has left in this tent-
In what once was her home.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-14 07:02 pm (UTC)Ren may not see it. But he knows Taako, has started getting to know Lup. They wouldn't abandon her like that. He doesn't know the deeper meaning of why they took her in at the forefront, why they may have such strong feelings for a little girl in a broken world, but Kravitz knows a thing or two about reading souls.
It's going to be fine. Weird, and a bit messy, and a little bit more yelling than he'd probably prefer out of any situation, but... it's going to be fine.
He wraps his arms around her in turn, tilting his head down to press his lips on her head, his nose on her hair. He's never gotten used to the warmth of a physical body, the way his heart beats and his skin isn't cold. But he hopes now it's a comfort, in what he can impart.
It's like she had said to him, so long ago. She can feel his heart.
That'll just be what has to matter.]
8/29
Date: 2019-08-30 02:52 am (UTC)Kravitz may not remember that moment, but boy she sure did.
Recovering from the last island has been slow going and there's no better way to shake off that horrible funk than by waking up at an ungodly hour to prepare something.
And it's indeed something.
Her fort skills have become second to none, thanks to having copious amounts of free time and no responsibilities ever. So the first thing Kravitz probably notices, or second thing, considering the first is probably her face just staring at him, is a fort with this blanket covering it under a nearby tree.
And on the outside of it, is a small piece of paper that says 'Asstroll Plane' permanently glued to the top. Amazing.
It's a quiet zone that even she'll be silent around, for at least today, if he goes into it. It's a special Kravitz space. And on the inside, he'll notice she really had a grand ole time with that super stick glue spray. There are tin can pieces, rocks, shells covering the 'ceiling' inside it. Amazing. It's the moon and stars she'll say because it wouldn't be complete without them. There's a very good pillow in there for Pepper she'll add, because's that valid too. Who could forget The Bird??
Anyway, happy birthday Kravitz. Enjoy the quiet time and the new Nap Zone.]